Some Reflections after Working for 1 Month
Time flies. I have been working for one month since the SOMA kickoff meeting on 28 Oct 2020. Time seems to pass by in a random, sporadic manner these days. Alternatively, it could be due to the shortening daylights. Even the sun seems to mimic my lifestyle, as shown in this image below.
Or maybe, it is the other way around…
Nevertheless, I guess I can say that I have only properly settled down for 10 days, since the paperwork were settled on 18 Nov 2020.
The paperwork took up quite a significant portion of my attention and in the words of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a huge chunk of my psychic energy, i.e. the paperwork constituted a psychic entropy in my consciousness/system (see the book Flow by the above-mentioned author). In any case, I am glad that the paperwork is complete but for some unknown reason, I am still not entirely at ease. It seems that for the past 5 months, I have been in a state of constant insecurity, not knowing where my future lies and feeling rather lonely. The months of July, August and September were especially challenging. Now that everything is finally going in a good direction, it seems as if I am still trapped in a state of unrest.
When I am feeling down, I do take some time off, like watch a film, tv series or just video-chat with friends. However, any calm they provide is only temporary. I still feel restless and prone to mood swings.
Apart from this feeling of restlessness, my most dominant mood is a feeling of inadequacy or shame/guilt at not having accomplished much in the day, yet feeling drained when going to bed. A logical and reasonable diagnosis is my restlessness has chipped away at my productivity at work. I am no where near my usual standards of productivity and concentration. Perhaps, it is time to recognise this obvious fact that I will need to slowly work toward my usual productivity standard. The key point to note is that this is going to take some time. I cannot rush this.
Let the reader be assured that I am aware how ridiculous it is for me to complain. I am extremely fortunate and privileged. I shall work hard and make a good contribution to society. As of today’s blogpost, I am simply writing down how I am feeling now. Everything will get better.
So in short, after working for 1 month, I can say that it does not feel like how it should feel like. Need to be more disciplined, both with regards to my productivity and emotions!